


Autocorrect Has Ruined My Life

by addict_writer



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: DYAC, Gen, Hilarity Ensues, Humor, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Sheriff's name is Noah, Text Messages, autocorrect fails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-20 14:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11922924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addict_writer/pseuds/addict_writer
Summary: A series of funny autocorrect fails shared between our beloved Teen Wolf characters. There might be a timeline and a hint of plot, but not really.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Most of the funny DYAC fails are borrowed from the Internet where I spent hours laughing my head off at the crazy text messages.

****

**1\. Stiles is getting dick**

Stiles glared at his phone as he waited for Scott to arrive with the requested meds. His phone's autocorrect had betrayed time many times in the past, but never on such lengths.

He opened up the most recent conversation with Scott, still not believing what autocorrect had done. He knew that he should be proud of his phone for finally learning the word 'dick' instead of replacing it with 'duck', but to replace 'sick' with 'dick' was a little extreme.

**Stiles:** Bro can you go to the drug store  
and get me something for the flu?

**Stiles:** I think I'm getting dick and  
my room is sooo hot

**Stiles:** SICK

**Stiles:** Definitely getting sick – not dick

**Stiles:** Bro?

**Scott:** I'M LAUGHING!!!!

**Scott:** Sure, buddy.

**Stiles:** Thank you! WTF … my phone is crazy

**Scott:** See you soon

Scott arrived ten minutes later, carrying a paper bag full of meds and his helmet.

“Not a word,” Stiles muttered, grabbing the bag from his friend. “You're a life saver.”

“And here I was going to ask who's the lucky guy?” Scott teased.

Stiles glared at him, slamming the door of his room in Scott's face.

 

**2\. Derek's Camaro**

**Stiles:** I had a fight with Derek

**Scott:** Again? OMG dude!

**Stiles:** Yeah… It sucked.

**Scott:** I thought you were getting along by now.  
I even thought you were friends.

**Stiles:** Yeah well… It was bad this time.  
He just drove off with his moms corpse.  
All that because I called him Sourwolf.

**Scott:** HIS MOM'S CORPSE?

**Scott:** Dude… WHAT?

**Stiles:** Holy shit NO! His macho Camaro! LOL

**Scott:** Your phone scares me, buddy.

**Stiles:** You and me both.

**Stiles:** And Sourwolf is back. I bet he  
needed to cock off a bit.

**Stiles:** Cool off. Dude seriously… my phone today.

**Scott:** hahahahaha! Your phone  
every day, buddy.

 

**3\. Derek's loft**

**Stiles:** Still feeling down. I'll probably be  
useless if I come over for the meeting.

**Derek:** If you want you can still come and  
sit on my cock and keep me company.

**Derek:** I'll supply with penis and diet cock.  
I'll even give you HIV.

**Stiles:** What the hell Derek?

**Derek:** Shit!

**Derek:** Oh no!

**Derek:** Stiles that's so disturbing.

**Stiles:** You're the one writing pervy stuff, big guy!

**Derek:** I mean to say you can come and  
sit on my cock, give you penis and  
diet cock and a dong.

**Stiles:** I get it that you suddenly want to  
give me the D. Should I be flattered, big guy?

**Stiles:** If it makes you feel better… I look  
forward to the day when I'm not blowing  
minors every day. A thousands times every day.

**Stiles:** My nose!

The phone vibrated in Stiles's hand. He answered, still chuckling at the text messages they'd exchanged.

“My phone is possessed, Stiles. I swear to you, I didn't mean any of that!” Derek said in a strained voice.

“Way to get a guy's hopes up.”

“What?” Derek gasped.

“So what did you mean anyway?” Stiles pressed, not ready to pour his heart out to Derek over the phone. His fever made him delirious.

“What I wanted is really PG rated. You on my couch and I could keep you company. I also meant to say I'd buy pizza and diet coke. I'd give you a hug too.”

“Oh, diet coke! I should have known that was it. You can't have a diet cock since it's actually meat, right?”

“Stiles!” Derek sputtered. “I'll be there in five to pick you up.”

 

**4\. The Sheriff's cake**

**Stiles:** Hey Melissa! First thank you so  
much for lending me some money to get  
Dad a nice b-day pressie!

**Stiles:** The crack I bought him was about  
two hundred bucks. I hope it's okay. I also got  
him a new cock ring. =)

**Melissa:** The drugs were so much  
cheaper when I was young.

**Melissa:** Though… why would you buy  
Noah crack? And a cock ring? Do I want to know?

**Stiles:** Shit! CAKE! And a Key ring…

**Stiles:** Wait… WHAT? Does Scott know about your younger days?

**Melissa:** That's not something to worry your head with.  
What worries me here is that your phone autocorrected  
something innocent like key ring to cock ring.

 

**5\. The Day After The Date**

**Scott:** So how was the date? Stiles's not  
answering so I'm guessing he's at yours?

**Derek:** Fun. We had dinner then I took him home.

**Derek:** Then I killed him in the woods outside the house and left.

**Scott:** Killing him seems a bit harsh and extreme.

**Scott:** I hope you're joking btw.

**Derek:** KISSED HIM. I kissed him.

**Scott:** He's gonna laugh so hard when  
I show him our conversation.

**Derek:** Please don't. I'd like to suck him more.

**Derek:** See him. Damn phone.

**Scott:** You can suck him if you want,  
just don't be the kind of guy to suck  
and tell if you know what I mean.

 

**6\. Sheriff's date**

**Dad:** Hey kiddo!

**Stiles:** What's up Daddy-O?

**Dad:** I'm eating your friend's mother out  
tonight at 7 so you have to find your own dinner.

**Stiles:** Not sure how to respond to that.  
Uh, have fun?

**Dad:** I'm not eating her out, I'm eating her out!

**Stiles:** Oh right. That clears it up.

**Dad:** Taking her out.

**Stiles:** Have fun, Daddy-O!

_A while later…_

**Dad:** You think I should take her to  
the lake house and show her the cock?

**Stiles:** WTF dad!!! Why would you say that?

**Dad:** Oh no! I meant my COCK.

**Stiles:** Yeah, I got that…

**Dad:** D O C K

**Stiles:** Right

**Dad:** Yay or nay?

**Stiles:** Cock or dock? I don't know Daddy-O. Tough choice.

**Stiles:** Cock on the dock?

**Dad:** What the hell Stiles? I'm still your father.  
These text messages might be impersonal  
but I'm still your dad!

**Stiles:** So did you decide? Should I tell  
Scott we'll become real bears?

**Stiles:** bros…

**Dad:** You and Scott could come with us.

**Stiles:** Have fun, Daddy-O! Remember, Scotty and I are old   
enough to know how our future sibling came to be.

 

**7\. Romantic Derek**

**Derek:** How weird do you think I am?

**Stiles:** Not at all, Der Ber =)

**Derek:** I miss you

**Stiles:** I miss you too! But you get it that  
I have to be with Scotty now.

**Derek:** I get it.

**Stiles:** So why do you think you're weird?

**Derek:** I'm sleeping with the shit you left in the bathroom :)

**Stiles:** ewwww WHAT?

**Derek:** Yeah. It smells like you and it makes me  
feel better when you're not here.

**Stiles:** If you're trying to be cute or funny it's not working.

**Derek:** Oh my GOD! Not again.

**Derek:** SHIRT. Your shirt.

**Derek:** I'm going to kill myself now.

**Stiles:** Aw, big guy. That's so romantic.

**Derek:** Me killing myself?

**Stiles:** You miss my scent (let's forget for a second  
that autocorrect spooked me for life)

**Derek:** I'm sorry babe.

 

**8\. Accidents**

**Scott:** How did Stiles break his finger?  
He won't tell me cuz he's too embarrassed.

**Derek:** His finger got stuck in my butthole.

**Scott:** WHATTTT?!

**Derek:** Holy shit! My buckle. Belt buckle.

**Scott:** That's the funniest thing I have heard ALL day!

**Derek:** Don't tell Stiles. About autocorrect fail.

**Scott:** Not making any promises.

 

**9\. Visiting the Station**

**Stiles:** I am SO pissed!

**Stiles:** My father poked me in the butt  
with his penis. It hurts like shit

**Scott:** WHAT

**Scott:** Just… what bro?

**Stiles:** Oh no! PENCIL. I swear I meant pencil.

**Scott:** I was about to ask if your dad was high or something.

**Stiles:** What the fruit?

**Stiles:** FUCK… even

**Scott:** hahahahha!

 

**10\. Craigslist**

**Stiles:** Dude where are you?

**Stiles:** Derek is antsy.

**Scott:** Sorry bro. I'm caught up here with Mom.  
She asked me to help her sell her vagina on Craigslist.

**Scott:** So I'm photographing and photoshopping it  
and stuff you know? To make it look good as new.

**Stiles:** You're photographing your mom's vagina?  
HAHA! Take your time bro.

**Scott:** Sick, man. I meant china.

**Stiles:** Peter says he'd bid when you post the pictures.

**Scott:** Make Derek kiss him again for me.

**Scott:** Kill him. Definitely kill him.

**Stiles:** ROFL!

 

**11\. Aimlessly**

**Stiles:** What's up doodie?

**Stiles:** What's up duck?

**Stiles:** Fucj

**Stiles:** Doberman

**Stiles:** DOODIE

**Stiles:** D U D E!

_Hours later_

**Stiles:** Can you give me a cock ring?

**Stiles:** My penis is stuck

**Stiles:** Stuck in the muck

**Stiles:** Stuck in the butt

**Stiles:** WHAT THE FUCK!!!

_Even later_

**Stiles:** Booty?

**Stiles:** Buddy****

**Scott:** WHAT! Just what!!!

**Stiles:** I hit my fanny

**Stiles:** I HATE MY PHONE

 

**12\. Great news**

**Stiles:** Great news – Dad is homosexual!

**Scott:** … Okay?

**Stiles:** Homo hot lips

**Stiles:** Hot tulips

**Stiles:** I'm getting fisted now!

**Stiles:** FRUSTRATED

**Stiles:** Dad is HOME

**Stiles:** from the hospital!

**Scott:** Homo hot lips!!! hahahaha

**Stiles:** I'm mummified, dude!

**Stiles:** Mortified

**Stiles:** He's laughing his head off reading over my shoulder

**Scott:** About the fisted part…  
Maybe Derek could help?

**Stiles:** DUDE! Dad just got released from  
the homo heaven! Don't send him back

**Stiles:** I give up

 

**13\. Diploma's hidden spot**

**Stiles:** Daddy-O?

**Dad:** I don't have much time

**Stiles:** Where's my diploma?  
I need it for the new job

**Dad:** In your mother's anus in a box

**Stiles:** The fuck? Why would you be so…  
Are you drunk?

**Dad:** Anus

**Dad:** ANUS

**Stiles:** Uh…

**Dad:** Jesus Christ! In the ATTIC in a box!

**Stiles:** I see. I regret asking this.

 

**14\. Acknowledging my messages**

**Stiles:** Hey

_Several hours later_

**Stiles:** Derek?

_Next day_

**Stiles:** I'm horny

**Derek:** Hey

**Stiles:** You ignore my text for 24 hours  
but reply to 'I'm horny' in 0.2 seconds

**Stiles:** Are you for real?

**Derek:** This is called entrapment and it's illegal

**Stiles:** What's illegal is for you to miss  
dinner with me and dad! You promised.

**Derek:** How can I ever make it up to you?

**Stiles:** We had dick and it was awesome.

**Stiles:** DUCK.

**Derek:** I was going to ask if that got you horny.

**Stiles:** I actually meant to say hungry, but whatever.

**Stiles:** Horny… hungry…

**Derek:** I'll punch you in ten.

**Stiles:** The suspense in killing me.  
What have I done wrong for you to punch me?

**Derek:** Punch you up

**Stiles:** I got that…

**Derek:** PICK you up

**Stiles:** Oh! Spit you sock

**Stiles:** See you soon lol

**Derek:** I promise to fist you better  
the moment I see yourself

**Stiles:** I'm so not into that, big guy!

**Derek:** KISS you better. Forgive me?

 

**15\. Getting outted**

**Stiles:** Hey, Derek! Dad's out for the night,  
so if you want to come over feel free.  
Just don't forget the lube ;)

**Dad:** Alright baby! See you soon.

**Stiles:** Did I mention that I love it  
when you call me baby?

**Dad:** Did I mention that I loved being called 'Daddy'?

**Stiles:** Uh… Is that something you're into?

**Dad:** Check the name, son.

**Stiles:** Shit. Dad!

**Dad:** That's cool. Play it safe.  
PS: I knew you were gay.

_Switching to Derek's conversation thread_

**Stiles:** Derek, I'm having a panic attack!

The phone rang in Stiles's hand. He answered promptly, breathing harshly.

“Stiles? What happened?”

“I just came out to Dad!”

“I thought we were going to tell him this weekend. Together.”

“It wasn't planned.” Stiles gasped out. “Your names start with D and they're so close. I guess I told him more than he wanted to know about our relationship.”

Derek cursed. “Want me to come over?”

“I just told you that Dad found out about us and you want to get in my pants?”

“I figured you needed me there. I'm your friend, aren't I?”

“Sure. Use the door, please.”

“Come on, Stiles. It can't be that bad.”

“I wrote you to bring the lube. Well… I thought it was you. I'm mortified, dude!”

 

**16\. Bonus**

**Sheriff:** I wanted to thank you for having  
dinner with us last night, Derek.

**Derek:** My pleasure, sir.

**Sheriff:** You make my son happy.

**Derek:** He makes me happy too.

**Sheriff:** So you think he's the one for you?

**Derek:** All I know is that he makes me really happy.  
He's the only guy I've ever considered mutilating.

**Sheriff:** Excuse me?

**Derek:** I meant murdering.

**Sheriff:** Hale, this better be the phone's autonomy

**Sheriff:** Autocorrect

**Derek:** MARRYING! I see myself next to  
your son for the rest of my liver

**Derek:** Life, even.

**Sheriff:** Maybe we should have this conversation in person.

**Derek:** Wise choice, Satan.

**Derek:** Sheriff – I meant Sheriff.

**Derek:** Please don't arrest me for my phone's epic fails.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many of you wanted... and frankly, I have endless supply of these things with the Internet...
> 
> I present you part two of the story.
> 
> Warning: Do not drink or eat while reading ;)
> 
> *hands out inhalers and tissues*

**1\. Explosion**

**Stiles:** Dude! Tell me you have stain remover!

 **Derek:** What do you mean? What happened?

 **Stiles:** I shook my cock too hard and it exploded  
all over the room.

 **Derek:** You know I'm with your father right now.  
Discussing the missing people…

 **Stiles:** It's all over your living room! And my clothes.

 **Derek:** Just put your clothes in hamper.  
We'll wash them later. Cum stains go  
after washing the clothes.

 **Stiles:** Oh dude! I meant Coke! My phone failed me again.

 **Derek:** Forget I said anything.

 

**2\. Snack time**

**Stiles:** Bored to tears. Any idea when you'll be home?

 **Scott:** After my last patient. Half an hour?

 **Stiles:** I'm at your place btw

 **Scott:** I figured. You can have anal if you're horny,  
but don't ruin your appetite!

 **Stiles:** Dude! What?

 **Scott:** Oh crap! A snail if you're hamster.

 **Stiles:** It's getting funnier.

 **Scott:** Snack. Hungry.

 **Stiles:** Back to anal and horny. Do you mind if  
I call Derek to help me with that?

 **Scott:** I'm masturbating you if you fuck in my house!

 **Scott:** murdering****

 **Stiles:** I'm crying here bro!

 

**3\. Pointers**

**Mom:** Where are you right now?

 **Scott:** Bed… Sleepy

 **Mom:** Boooooo!

 **Scott:** Shouldn't you be working anyway?

 **Mom:** I wanted sex pointers on my cooking

 **Scott:** Sex pointers? Do you really  
want that from your son?  
Here's one: never with Peter Hale!

 **Mom:** (blushing emoticon) Some pointers.

 **Mom:** How did you know it involved Peter?

 **Scott:** Wait. I'm definitely not awake enough to  
have this conversation with you.

 **Scott:** You want some sex pointers after cooking for Peter?

 **Mom:** I want pointers on what you think of my  
cooking. Would it poison him?

 **Scott:** Now you're talking! Sadly, you're an  
amazing cook, Mom. You could ask Stiles's  
dad for pointers on how to poison the food.

 

**4\. Dad's advice**

**Dad:** How is school going?

 **Stiles:** Terrible. I want to stab everyone here.

 **Dad:** Okay, just don't get any blood on your clothes.

 **Stiles:** You're a police officer – the sheriff!!! –  
you shouldn't be condoning this

 **Dad:** Don't tell me how to live my life

 **Stiles:** If I get arrested, will you bail me out?

 

**5\. Derek's so upset he'd…**

**Derek:** I'm gonna lick your ass Stiles!

 **Stiles:** Dude can't you wait till I get home?

 **Derek:** If you were here I'd lick your ass so  
hard you won't know what hit you!

 **Stiles:** I had no idea you were into sexting, boo =)

 **Derek:** I'm actually really mad at you and  
my phone decided to be a perv. I meant KICK

 **Stiles:** Aww what did I do to upset you?  
I haven't even been at your place in days.

 **Derek:** I saw your ass on the websites renting houses.

 **Stiles:** Dude, I don't post ass pictures anywhere!  
I swear to you!

 **Derek:** Add – your add. You're looking for a place to rent.

 **Stiles:** Uh that. Yes?

 **Derek:** You have a placenta here with me.

 **Derek:** Place – read that as place.

 **Stiles:** I'm crying dude! Your placenta. That's the most  
romantic thing you've said to me.

 **Derek:** Frank you!

 **Derek:** Fuss you!

 **Derek:** Fart you!

 **Derek:** ……………

 **Stiles:** I love you too buddy.

 

**6\. Vacuum problems**

**Scott:** You called, Sheriff? I'm at the clinic now…

 **Sheriff:** Yeah. Wanted to tell you your mother  
sucked my cock in the vacuum

 **Scott:** What?? Just… WHAT???

 **Sheriff:** She sucked my cock up and it's gone.  
Wanted to tell you in case you see it.

 **Scott:** Are you on drugs? Did you have  
an accident? Are you signaling for help?

 **Scott:** Should I call Stiles?

 **Sheriff:** Oh! I just read what I wrote.  
That's not what I meant.

 **Sheriff:** Melissa sucked up my sock. Sorry.

 **Scott:** Phew! You scared me for a moment.

 

**7\. Nasty thieves**

**Derek:** Noah, where is your son?

 **Sheriff:** How should I know? I'm at work.

 **Derek:** The condom broke and everything  
is a mess.

 **Sheriff:** That's TMI Derek.

 **Derek:** Oh my! My condor.

 **Derek:** Condom

 **Derek:** CONDO! My apartment got broke in.

 **Sheriff:** That's terrible, but I'm afraid you  
made it sound funny.

 **Sheriff:** Catch any scent?

 **Derek:** It smells faintly of Stiles, but he wasn't here in days.

 **Derek:** Forget it. Stiles is here.

 **Sheriff:** Did he break in your conversation?

 **Sheriff:** Condo

 **Derek:** He claims he was searching for his sweater.  
It looks like my place was bombed.

 

**8\. Natural smelling**

**Scott:** I know what I'm getting Derek for x-mas

 **Stiles:** I don't :(

 **Scott:** I only want to know what axe smell does he use

 **Stiles:** Armpit

 **Scott:** Dude! That would be like natural scent, huh?  
Is it a thing?

 **Stiles:** LOL! **Armor

 **Scott:** Oh. I see

 **Scott:** You could have said 'bloody' it would have been funnier

 **Stiles:** ????

 **Scott:** Axe – smell – bloody

 **Stiles:** Are you drunk?

 **Scott:** You lost your sense of humor

_several hours later_

**Stiles:** Derek hates Axe. He's a str8 kinda guy

 **Scott:** Too bad there's not a straight bone in his body

 **Stiles:** >O_O<

 

**9\. Sheriff's hidden past**

**Stiles:** I just swallowed a huge piece of bubble gum!!!!  
Is that a big deal??

 **Dad:** You'll be fine. I have swallowed  
so much cum in my life and I'm still here

 **Stiles:** I regret texting you. So much.

 **Stiles:** I didn't need to know that.

 **Dad:** Dear Lord! That was a word  
changed by my phone.

 **Stiles:** And your phone changes cum to gum because….

 **Stiles:** Why would you overuse the word cum?

 **Dad:** My phone is a slut

 **Stiles:** *cover eyes and runs for the hills*

 **Dad:** Don't trip ;)

_several hours later_

**Dad:** I'm on my way home. Want something from the fast food  
across the street? Nachos, burgers, hot dick?

 **Stiles:** Hot dick, please. =)

 **Dad:** Hot dick I mean

 **Stiles:** Go tit

 **Dad:** I see we're disgracing body parts

 **Stiles:** *Got it! It was my jelly fingers this time. :))

 **Stiles:** And yeah… hot dog sounds good.

 

**10\. This weather**

**Stiles:** Der-Bear?

 **Derek:** ??

 **Stiles:** I'm at the fair with Scott

 **Derek:** I know

 **Stiles:** It's jizzy here. Could you bring me a jacket?

 **Derek:** !!!???

 **Stiles:** Jizzy AF

 **Derek:** How much wine did you drink?

 **Stiles:** CHILLY. Shit.

 **Stiles:** I'm corpse

 **Stiles:** Cold, I mean

 **Derek:** I'll bring your lumberjack

 **Stiles:** Calling yourself names?

 **Derek:** I swear I wrote jacket

 **Stiles:** Can you wear plaid? You have the beard  
and enough muscle to pass as a lumberjack

 

**11\. Pastry**

**Stiles:** On my way to yours. Want something from Joe's?

 **Scott:** A cinnamon butt and a laxative

 **Stiles:** Dude are you ok?

 **Scott:** *cinnamon bun and latte!

 **Stiles:** PHEW! You scared me for a second.

 **Scott:** Not the perfect combination either, huh?

 **Stiles:** The mental image… I'll have nightmares, bro!

 

**12\. Stop texting**

**Stiles:** So when I was fucking myself in bed  
last night I was thinking of how thankful I am for you =)

 **Dad:** WHAT???

 **Stiles:** Crap! TUCKING. TUCKING!!!!

 **Stiles:** Oh hell. My phone is indecent. #fail

 **Dad:** …….

 **Stiles:** I'm so sorry.

 **Dad:** Just stop texting for everyone's sake!

 

**13\. Autocorrect fail mortification**

“Read the below string of messages. I'm SO mortified!!!” Lydia shoved her phone under Stiles's nose.

“What the hell?” He had never seen Lydia so distressed.

“Read.” She bit her lower lip.

 **Lydia:** Hi, this is Lydia. I saw your penis for sale on C-list. Is it still available?

 **Lydia:** If so I would like to take it for a test drive tonight sometime.

Stiles snorted, earning himself a slap on the back of his head. He returned his attention to her new phone.

 **Unknown number:** Hi Lydia. I'm selling a prius…

 **Lydia:** Oh my! My apologies. New phone and all that…

 **Unknown number:** You know it – craigslist. You never know.

 **Lydia:** Heh. So can we forget the awkward first text and set a meeting?

The phone disappeared from Stiles's hand.

“Now I can't face him. We have to meet here in five minutes.”

“And I'm your wingman?”

“Just stay around and if he turns out to be some jerk, save me.”

“How do you know—” Stiles clamped his mouth shut when a man in his thirties approached them, keeping his eyes on Lydia's back. He was well-dressed and seemed to be a nice guy.

“Stiles, don't leave me!” Lydia nearly whined when he walked backwards.

“Lydia?” The man asked, making her turn around.

She shot Stiles a smile to which he winked, before turning her attention to the man in front of her.

 

**14\. Birthday surprise**

**Scott:** Happy Birthday Mom!!!

 **Mom:** Thank you honey! :)

 **Scott:** I am going to have the biggest  
strap-on for you later so get excited!!

 **Scott:** OHMYGOD!!!

 **Scott:** Please ignore the previous message.

 **Scott:** Please please please just delete it

 **Scott:** I meant surprise. Totally.

 **Mom:** Wow.

 **Scott:** Really sorry, Mom :(

 **Mom:** It's not nice to get a girl's hopes up like  
that then take away all the fun.

 **Scott:** X_X

 

**15\. Measuring wood**

**Derek:** Come help me measure my dick…  
I gotta get wood today

 **Derek:** That did not cum out right

 **Stiles:** Bwahahaha!!!

 **Stiles:** I can tell you over the phone here the  
length of your dick. If you want wood,  
I could send you a naked pic of my ass

 **Derek:** I meant measure my DECK.  
I need to tear it down and get new wood.

 **Stiles:** Oh, you've decided to work on old hell holster!

 **Stiles:** Read that as Hell Hound!

 **Stiles:** HALE HOUSE.

 **Stiles:** I hate my phone sometimes.

 **Derek:** I'm worried about the words your phone knows.

 **Stiles:** My dad is a cop. Parrish a hellhound….

 

**16\. Inappropriate**

**Derek:** Hey babe. Where are you?

 **Stiles:** Hey! Still at Scotty's.

 **Derek:** Can I join?

 **Stiles:** Sure thing, Sourwolf

 **Derek:** Are you still hung?

 **Stiles:** Like a horse =)

 **Derek:** *hungry

 **Stiles:** That too

_moments later_

_Switching to Scott's conversation thread_

**Scott:** Dude! You won't frot in my house!

 **Derek:** I see Stiles tells you everything.

 **Scott:** I meant fuck.

 **Derek:** Oh, we haven't fucked in your house…

 **Derek:** Yet

 **Scott:** Wait… NO! Don't tell me.

 

**17\. Confusion**

**Derek:** Who are you? Someone changed the  
names in my phone

 **Sourwolf's bae:** What did they change my name to?

 **Derek:** Sourwolf's bae

 **Sourwolf's bae:** Don't change it back

 **Derek:** BUT WHO R U???

 **Sourwolf's bae:** I'm Sourwolf's bae =)

 **Derek:** Stiles? Is it you?

 **Sourwolf's bae:** You can call me Stiles if you want

 **Derek:** I'm serious. I'm five seconds away  
from smashing the phone.

 **Sourwolf's bae:** I can turn back all the names.

 **Sourwolf's bae:** I think.

 **Derek:** it was you! Whoever you are.

 **Sourwolf's bae:** We established I'm Sourwolf's bae ;)

 **Derek:** If you turn out to be Stiles,  
better RUN for your life.

 **Sourwolf's bae:** I'm still tied to the bed where you left me…

 **Derek:** GRRRRR

 **Sourwolf's bae:** Babycheeks? I'm sorry

 **Derek:** GRRRRRRRR

 **Sourwolf's bae:** I can hear you snarling,  
no need to type what I can…

Stiles beamed up when the door of Derek's bedroom slammed to the wall.

“There you are!”

“Sourwolf's bae?? Are you kidding me?”

“You're my Sourwolf. I thought I was your bae.”

.

.

.

Later, they sat in bed cuddling and trying to return the names on Derek's phone to what they used to be.

“Pack's Mama?” Derek raised a brow.

“That would be Melissa.”

“Hole Guy.”

Stiles laughed. “Liam. He fell in a hole once.”

Derek changed the name, refusing to ask details. “The Big Guy? You dad?”

“Uh, actually… I don't remember.” Stiles scratched the back on his head. “Dad's Noah, BH Ranger. You know like Walker, Texas Ranger? Smart, huh?”

“Lame. I could have guessed it.” Derek scowled.

“What else have you got there?” Stiles peered into Derek's phone. “The Beast… I think that's Peter.”

Derek changed the name, still scrolling. “Teen Wolf? Are you kidding me?”

“That's Scotty.”

“Do I want to know how you came up with that name?”

“I called him that once when we had the bright idea to bring the Alpha to school by howling into the microphone...when we didn't know he was Peter. Remember? When we first met… when we hated each other's guts?”

Derek cringed. “Right. I remember the failed howl that sounded like a strangled cat.” He caught Stiles's eye, smiling softly. “I never hated you.”

“Aww!”

 

**18\. Help needed**

**Stiles:** Dude pick up!

 **Scott:** Can't, I'm cooking

 **Stiles:** Shit! You've got to hide me!

 **Scott:** Why?

 **Stiles:** I just broke down the door and my dad is super mad

 **Scott:** … how?

 **Stiles:** You know how they kick doors open in movies?  
Yeah… like that

 **Scott:** HAHAHHAHA

 **Scott:** Still, I'm proud of you. I had no idea  
you had it in you

 **Stiles:** Dad wasn't answering. I've left my keys at Derek's…  
So I panicked. And I broke the door. Dad was on the other  
side staring at me in shock.

 **Scott:** I'm going to burn the food, but this is hilarious.

 **Stiles:** Can I hide at yours bro?

 **Scott:** Sure thing, man. My door in open so  
don't break it pls

 **Stiles:** You're so funny. NOT

 

**19\. Hard life**

**Dad:** How's life in the big city, kiddo?

 **Stiles:** I'm so tired of being poor. I wish I had  
million dildos! Life would be so easy.

 **Dad:** A million huh?

 **Stiles:** Yes, a million would work, but it  
would be nice to have TEN million.

 **Dad:** HAHAHAHAHA

 **Stiles:** What? Have some constipation for your son

 **Dad:** You said dildos.

 **Dad:** And you just wished me to be constipated.

 **Stiles:** O.o

 **Stiles:** DOLLARS!!!

 **Stiles:** ***compassion

 **Stiles:** I'm fail.

 **Dad:** It might be wise to remove autocorrect from your phone.

 **Stiles:** I like to live on the wild side

 

**20\. Truths**

**Dad:** Where have you been last night?

 **Stiles:** Seriously?

 **Dad:** YES

 **Stiles:** At Derek's…

 **Dad:** I don't know if I can believe you

 **Dad:** You lie to me all the time

 **Dad:** You know it is not good to lie to your father?

 **Stiles:** Are we going back to my definition of lying? =)

 **Stiles:** Like lying… resting in a horizontal position  
or lying as in omitting the truth

 **Dad:** Tell me the truth this time – about last night.

 **Stiles:** It is the truth!

 **Stiles:** At Derek's I swallow!

 **Stiles:** SWEAR. I totally typed swear.

 **Dad:** Get home NOW

 **Stiles:** What got you so agitated?  
Why won't you believe me?

 **Dad:** Derek was held overnight in a cell  
at the station. I'm trying to find out why

 **Stiles:** Holy crap! Don't let him anywhere near his phone.

 **Stiles:** Please Dad! I sent him some horrible messages  
about not showing up for our four months anniversary.

 **Dad:** You weren't lying.

 **Stiles:** Dad… Derek could rip my throat out  
with his TEETH if he listens to my voicemails  
or reads my messages!!!

 **Dad:** His phone is in my office in the  
evidence bag on my desk.

 **Stiles:** You're the best, Daddy-O!

 **Dad:** We still need to have a discussion about safe sex

 

**21\. Moving out**

**Stiles:** Bro, I have got to move out! My dad  
is driving me crazy. He just put his stinky cock  
in my face while I was sleeping!

 **Scott:** WTF? That's not OK. You should tell the police…  
Wait...he's the police.

 **Scott:** Do you want to stay with me?

 **Scott:** I bet Derek won't mind if you moved into the loft.

 **Stiles:** Whoa buddy! It's not that big of a deal.

 **Scott:** Your father's cock in your face is a BIG deal.  
That's not normal.

 **Scott:** Is your dad OK? Did he… drink again?

 **Stiles:** WHAT?? OMG!!! I meant SOCK

 **Scott:** -_-

 

**22\. Social media**

**Scott:** My mother just facefucked me

 **Scott:** Life will never be the same

 **Stiles:** WHAT? Dude…. I had no idea you were so close

 **Scott:** Wut?

 **Scott:** Facebooked me!

 **Scott:** GODDAMN AUTO CORRECT

 **Stiles:** Jizz bro!

 **Stiles:** Chill… even lol

 

**23\. Couch**

**Derek:** Stiles said you could help with dumping  
my old couch… That you knew a place.

 **Sheriff:** Yes, I'll help. I will go down on you later.

 **Sheriff:** DAMN IT! I will go with you later.

 **Derek:** Awkward…

_moments later_

_Switching to Stiles's conversation thread_

 

 **Derek:** Your dad just offered me a blowjob when  
I asked him to help me with the old couch

 **Stiles:** I bit my tongue. WHAT? I kn

 **Stiles:** shit… I know you're hot but hell….

 **Derek:** It was autocorrect making it awkward

 **Stiles:** Tell Dad I don't share my wolf. He should  
get his own wolf. I bet Peter would be interested.

 **Derek:** I'll pretend your last text never existed

 

**24\. Bonus #1**

**Derek:** I'd have sex with you if you presented  
yourself naked at my door right now

 **Stiles:** What?

 **Derek:** Hey sexy. Wanna bang?

 **Stiles:** Derek? Are you drunk? Did you spike  
your whiskey with wolfsbane?

 **Derek:** I'd fuck you like an animal if I had you in my arms.

 **Stiles:** What the…

“Hey babe!” Derek greeted Stiles when his boyfriend nearly bumped into him, having his nose in his phone.

Stiles looked between his phone and Derek. “How are you texting me and standing right here?”

“I'm not… Shit.” He patted his pockets. “I forgot my phone at the loft.”

Stiles paled, holding his phone between his thumb and forefinger as if it was the most gross thing he'd ever touched. He gagged, shaking his phone and shuddering.

“What happened?”

“Who's at the loft?” Stiles grunted.

“Peter.”

“I'm going to be sick.”

Derek extracted the phone from Stiles's hand and read the text messages his uncle had sent, posing as him. He smirked, meeting Stiles's eyes.

“You're horrible at sexting.”

“What?”

“If it was me… I'd have lost my boner from the first what.”

Stiles stared at him in disbelief.

 

**25\. Bonus #2**

**Stiles:** Whatcha wearing?

 **Derek:** I'm downstairs getting breakfast ready….

 **Stiles:** You didn't answer

 **Derek:** The wolf apron you gave me

 **Stiles:** Only that?

 **Derek:** Is this your attempt at sexting?

 **Stiles:** Maybe. Is it working?  
Would it get me moaning sex?

 **Derek:** There will be moaning

 **Stiles:** *morning. Damn phone

 **Derek:** Wait in there. I'll be back in a few minutes.

 **Stiles:** You could return now. In only your  
wolf apron and feed me your wolf knot

 **Derek:** Was that a typo?

 **Stiles:** Did I stutter? Come on Sourwolf

 **Stiles:** You alive? I heard a bang

Moments later Derek burst into their room wearing nothing but the apron and a big boner barely concealed underneath.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you had fun reading this, because I had fun writing it.


End file.
